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this post was submitted on 18 Aug 2024
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Bipolar Disorder
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I just got diagnosed yesterday. Im 31.
Dealt with depression for years, suicide attempts, self harm, and what I now realize was hypomania. I craved those moments because it was a relief from depression and I felt like I was actually able to accomplish everything I wanted.
Then I started suspecting I had adhd, because of the distractibility, lack of focus, losing jobs from lack of performance, and all the other overlaps. The psychiatrist yesterday said it was "obvious bipolar" and that we would try vraylar for the mood and check in again in a few weeks.
I cried in the meeting when he said bipolar, and cried myself to sleep when I got home. The stigma and all that. I have so many feelings rushing through my mind.
Reading symptoms and stories from people make it obvious that my happiest moments over the past few years were just hypomania, and my depression is explained by it, my conspiratorial thinking, ego, abusing exes, hyper productivity for those days, etc. My anxiety, irritability, anger, etc.
And then after the understanding and comfort that what I had has a name, comes rage. An anger at my parents, my school counselors, previous therapists for ignoring the signs or only focusing on depression. I feel like so much of my life was wasted. So much potential lost.
I understand. Have had something similar. Diagnosed ADHD from 29-44… never “cured” the rage. The bipolar meds help with the depression yet I am so “flat” that there’s not I enjoy anymore.
I’m curious to know how you do with Vraylar… I am having a med Checkin on Monday and asking to switch to it myself. I’ve been on geodon for almost five years now and starting to have weird side effects now.
Thanks for responding. Hope you find meds that work.
Yea, I am afraid of that "flat" feeling. I feel like so much of my creativity, excitement, friendships, happy memories in general are from hypomania. Like my defining characteristics, my "spark", will be gone.
I get that my life is dysfunctional and the lows are debilitating, but the highs were the only time I was ever happy and I'm afraid the drugs will make me numb.
I just keep thinking, what is even the point?