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Why cant I just shoot my shot? (lemmy.world)

submitted 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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Hey lemmos, and lemmettes. Just got off jury duty for a 3 day civil trial. First time juror, had a BLAST despite my expectations, really enjoyable to see a functioning justice system in person, and I also met cute gal also early 20s who was on the jury.

Now some context, I have not had a date since my ex cheated back around the begining of COVID so ive basically lost any sembelece of self-confidence when it comes to flirting. I'm confident in myself as a person, I'm pretty rad if I'm not being modest, but when it comes to chatting up the ladies, I mentally only can visualize rejection.

Now I was planning on asking her out for dinner or drinks this weekend following the case, but on the way out she was caught behind walking and talking with some other peeps. I got caught up in my anxious brain and just ended up bailing. Sent a FB messenger pm on the metra ride home but the profile is inactive so I think I missed my chance at a genuine connection.

Why is my monke brain like this. Why cant I let myself be happy. **All I want is to give somebody the love I can no longer seem to give myself. **

UPDATE: Connected over linkedin and gave it a shot. In a relationship :( . Still, glad that I tried, and thank you to all the commenters who helped settle my anxiety.

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[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

Hey dude, all good dude.

I'm not sure how to go about handling the situation, seems like you've thought about all the ways you 'stuffed up'. But in my experience with rumination - a lot my triggers come from black and white thinking.

When I ruminate, a lot of what pops in my head are the times I stuffed up. Like times when I was humiliated, or times when I had missed amazing opportunities. And I beat myself up because the solution was seemingly, oh so simple.

Rumination isn't a bad thing, it can be a visceral motivator, but for me the trouble was the deep well of horrible emotions that would arise after spiralling.

If you spiral for to long, your brain will only accept black and white solutions, since your brain is in panic mode and looking for an easy out. But, the tough thing you need to train your brain to do (Trust me it is difficuilt) is to instead catch yourself going down a thought spiral (the earlier the better) and try and think something less black and white.

E.g. You tried to message her, and plus she may not have the genuine connection you were hoping for. There will be a next time, times where it's appropriate: to experiment socially.

You tried to message her afterwards - that's a pretty big win in my opinion.

I have the help of CBT and antidepressants, so keep that in mind. And plus this advice may not be for you, I just hope you pull through and see it as a positive learning experience.

Stay rad