No Stupid Questions

I agree with the others but here is some advice when you are happy being alone.

Don't let the search for a gf become a large part of your life again. I was on all the dating apps and whatnot thinking I was ready to have a gf and I still think I was. But the search started consuming me i spent an hour or two a day reading profiles and going through pictures to try to find the right one. i would read the bios of girls and think about how perfect we would be together and swipe on them. If a girl swipped on me even if she wasn't up to my standards I would swipe just because... maybe if I give her a chance... it would work.

After maybe a year of that, numerous dates and spiraling depression I realized what it was doing to me. I found a half way decent dating app and canceled all the other subscriptions. Then I just started trading it as a game, 5/10 minutes here or there throughout the week and that was it. I was in a much better place. Fast forward 3 months and my gf actually swiped on me, fast forward a year and we are expecting our first kid.

I'm going to take a different approach. It's not that the general advice on focusing internally is bad. To the contrary, it's the best advice. But there's other things to do as well to help mitigate what I call "serial rejection response".

People tend to think that their attraction standards can't change. But they do, constantly, for plenty. They change as we age, as our perspective shifts as we gain experiences, or even just by repeated exposure to other standards.

Now, I'm going to venture into some shaky territory here, so be aware that there is disagreement in published information about some of this.

There are multiple things that go into attraction. They one thing that seems universal is symmetry. The more symmetric the face and body are, the more likely people are to find it attractive. It's a pretty objective standard too, with not much room for interpretation.

However, there's also signs of health and viability as a possible mate. That's where you run into the first thing that can shift. We don't actually have a great ability to read health visually. And there's subjectiveness inherent in what is and isn't considered healthy, and that can change easily.

A common example of that is acne. Not everyone views is as sign of bad health, but some do. It's also something that is more common in teen and young adult stages. When you're younger, and everyone around you is more prone to acne, you tend to filter it out because it's so common, we just don't see it as a flaw in every case. And there's gradations as to how severe acne is before an individual detects it as a negative rather than the norm.

Body build is obviously the same kind of thing. It's a subjective, and largely subconscious, "template" that gets built up over time to filter other people into categories of "possible mate" and "nah". But the very fact that it not only builds over time, but can change later in life as we're exposed to more variety, means that it's something that can be adapted to.

Now, you can actually consciously change what you're attracted to, though it isn't easy, and takes time. This would expand the pool of attraction to give better chances of mutual attraction.

But, once you realize that the vast majority of people don't know it can change, and that they're just drifting along responding to stimuli they don't even understand, it means you don't need to worry about it as much. It becomes a matter of patience in finding someone, or shifting closer to the local norm of what is and isn't attractive (and there is a large degree of it that is very local, down to town size and smaller; you'll find people at different schools in the same county having different standards as a group).

This helps remove any bitterness because, once the idea is internalized, you know that not only is it not you being unattractive at all (and everyone is attractive in some way, even if it's very limited), it's just not the right time and/or place. It's a crappy hand to be dealt, but not an insurmountable one.

You'd be amazed how just moving to another town can radically change how much attraction you receive. Just changing neighborhoods can do it in decent sized cities or towns.

I promise you, plenty of girls and women like extra skinny guys, the same way plenty like dad bods, massive muscles, trim athletic builds, or chubby to obese bodies. It's all about where and when you are. You, exactly as you are now, may find that women shift towards your body type as you age. Or you might not, but be aware that it isn't universal or permanent inherently. A super thin guy in his twenties is running around asking out women roughly in the same age group most of the time, and that could be a grouping that's locally only into dad bods as a majority. But they get older and change too, so you run into the ones that shift towards your type.

And, obviously, not only will your tastes change over time whether you want it or not, you could start work on finding the attractive qualities in a wider range of women. People think of this, and talk of this, as "lowering standards", but that's bullshit. That way of thinking assumes that any given set of standards is right solely because the person using the term thinks their standards are better. And, again, that's bullshit.

As an example of that, if I dig thicc ladies, but have no luck with them, it isn't lowering my standards to date someone that's model skinny, it's just a different standard. If I didn't like that kind of body type, I would have to work at seeing the good parts to change the "template" in my head that says attractive or not. I'm lucky in that I've never really had a type, but I do have greater or lesser attraction to different types. I have successfully changed that over time though, multiple times, partially just to see if I could.

Seriously, do a little thought experiment here. Find someone you don't find attractive that's with someone. Ask yourself what they see in them. Then look for it, because I promise you it's there. They're using their internal template, probably without thinking, and found a match to it. Once you start realizing that there are things in people you aren't attracted to that are attractive anyway, you start to look at looks in a new way.

This is getting long, so I won't bore you with anecdotes about my own life and how this works. But I will end with something to think about. Ever know an old couple? The kind that sum still kiss and hug, and make googoo eyes at each other, call each other beautiful and handsome. They exist. And they are attracted to each other, and likely always have been despite the fact that neither of them would have been attracted to the other fifty years prior.

Remember that, and you never need be bitter.

How skinny are you? It might. Be your style or your taste in person you’re going after. I was very skinny but didn’t struggle and I mean 120 at 6 foot 1 skinny

I agree with the recommendation for therapy. I can say that it helped me to get in a more positive and constructive mind set.

Other thoughts on your lack of intimacy:

Getting a pet can give some kind of replacement for intimacy with another human being. Sure, it is not the same. But cuddling with a cat can help to feel less lonely.

For intimicy as in "sex", I think there is nothing wrong with considering sex workers. Unless of course it is illegal in your country...

Is your region particularly conservative?

I've heard more right-leaning people associate largeness with masculinity. Being in a blue state, I hear a lot of women talk about liking skinny guys.

But then again, the same people who say that can find bigger guys they like too. Sooo size probably isn't the main factor here.

I'm not sure you age but from what I understand, many people between 20-40 have been having issues finding genuine relationships and "situationships" are on the rise. I know several people that claim to be happy having 2-3 half commited partners (whom often also have other partners), but i don't believe they are that happy, especially compared to a genuine relationship.

As others had said try to just stick to your own personallity and focus on your own happiness, changing yourself or your standards just to get laid often doesn't work. When i was going through a phase of depression i started seeing a partner whom couldn't commit to me the way i desired, but i stuck around anyway because it was a nice distraction from my life. A few months later we called it offand there was a fair amount of emotional pain. The relationship was kinda of toxic as well and I'll probably carry scars from it into my next one. Even just the memories, good or bad, are constant distraction some times. My overall point is don't commit to it if its not what you genuinely want, good relationships have been on the decline for a while so its not always your fault if you can't establish one.

Get in the gym guy

I sympathize, sorry that you're feeling this way. It sucks to not have someone to be with. I don't know if it'll help much, but I thought I'd share my story too.

I'm 2 years out of an 8 year relationship. I think I'm damaged to say the least, but I was damaged even before then. I struggle to connect with people, and breaking the physical barrier is also really difficult for me. I wish I was better at it, but I'm just kind of an awkward dude. I can be a bit uncomfortable in my own skin sometimes.

I met a girl recently and I thought things were going really well. We had lots of common interests, and the raport between us was really great. I was genuinely excited to get to know her as a person, and to be spending time with someone again. I was hopeful, and happy. It was nice to think that I might have someone I could actually share with again. I don't want to wallow in self-pity or anything, but I'm in my 30's and I'd be lying if I said the general disconnect I usually feel hasn't affected me on some deep level.

We were hanging out one day and things were going well up until I attempted to kiss her. It's such a dumb thing to blunder, but my bad timing, awkward word choices, and even my incorrect physical positioning caused me to rush things and not really give the moment a chance to unfold organically. I don't know why I get like this, it's very ammature and probably the quality I dislike the most about myself. I think maybe I'm just scared to fully allow myself to be vulnerable to people. I don't really think I'm a bad kisser in general, I'm actually great at other physical/intimate things, but I just kind of messed this one up a bit. I allowed myself to be overly nervous/anxious, and I just wasn't at my best. Mistakes happen sometimes. That was all it took though. She went from being pretty engaged with me to generally disinterested just like that. It sucks because It made me feel like her entire decision was based on this one failed interaction. I don't want to sound stuck up or something, but I think I deserve better than that.

I found out there were other factors too though. She was already interested in someone else at the time she was hanging out with me. It feels kind of pathetic to admit it, but I think I just got outcompeted. I know that I should give myself some allowance for the fact that there was nothing that I could do about that aspect, she's entitled to her choices, but she wasn't very forthright with me either. She led me on, and stood me up on plans to hang out. That was really selfish behavior on her part.

I know that girls do this sometimes for fear of hurting guy's feelings, but just don't. Be honest, and transparent with us, it's easier for everyone in the long run. I think I deserved a better chance than what she gave me, and if she was that superficial already then she probably wasn't right for me anyway. It sucks, but that's where I'm at with it right now. I'm not hateful towards her or anything like that, just disappointed really.

I don't know really where I'm going with all this, but just suffice it to say that understanding and learning from relationships is difficult sometimes. I think I'd just say to try not to give up if you can help it, but if you feel like you need to go into self-preservation mode then that's ok too.

Best regards tall skinny internet stranger.

Consider just going on a date with someone you wouldn't normally have if you're in a dry spell. Helps you figure out your preferences in a relationship beyond physical appearance.

Aim lower.

It sounds shitty but there’s merit. Think of it like an RPG, where you grind on low level fodder until you have enough confidence to land where you really want. Also, you may find that people who you’ve generally considered “unattractive “ in the past are actually really great because they’re genuinely decent people.

Bag a few 2 or 3 girls (by your standards) so you feel confident and good enough about yourself that you’re not in a pit of despair.

I also noticed is that when you really stop trying, that’s when things tend to happen. Like you have to consciously stop trying. People can smell the desperation and effort a mile away. Confidence is sexy because it comes off as effortless.

Just remember Mario, your princess is in another castle.

You could start doing single activities, depending on where you live. Even if you don't find someone right for you, you could hang out with people in the same general situation.

Have you tried working out and getting bigger?