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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/bruhgubgub on 2024-10-23 02:29:11+00:00.
I am scarred, I am wounded, I am worn. I have been to hell and back, I have been toe to toe with god, and I came out on top.
My asshole is no longer bleeding, the liquid shits have ceased, however I had a blockage southeast.
For those that asked, no my tongue never felt like it was burning.
To those of you that wanted to know how my cum taste, shame on you. My mother reads these posts and she damn near had a heart attack (likely from her cigarette habit).
To those of you concerned about my daily diarrhea dungeon, the encounter has been bludgeoned. Since that fateful Saturday, it's been rainbows and flowers, bees all over every hour.
To the one person that called me a slob, you have 300,000+ comment karma, get off your soapbox, most likely still packaged because you don't shower.
I do not have a scat fetish, but the feeling of a waterfall coming out of my anus is like no other. The person that wanted to see my soiled boxers is the candidate with a scat fetish.
I have gone to the doctor, they gave me a finger up the bum bum and the results came back.
I have the finest poo chute on the planet. They told me they have never had anyone come in with concerns and be more fine than me.
I have the BEST arsehole on the planet. I will scream it from the rooftops.
Now, my girlfriend did tell me stop eating the pineapple (yes I have a girlfriend rare for someone with a reddit account to obtain such a thing) it was a long 2 days of no orgasmic citrus goodness, but it was needed. I mentioned I had a blockage southeast, now this one was scary. I measured it, 8" diameter and my asshole felt like it was gonna fall out but I prospered and didn't even need the poop knife.
To the pineapple haters, our leaders will find you
To the pineapple people, join us. We will conquer the world.
And by pineapple people I don't mean swingers when I first heard of swingers I thought it was people that enjoyed saucer swings
TL;DR: I ate lots of pineapple and had a bloody ass hole and now I'm good