Autism

Hello, so I'm not autistic as far as I'm aware, but I do have ADHD-C and have also greatly struggled with anxiety throughout my life. I hope my experience and knowledge can be of some use to you.

To start off, man, hard relate on both those fears. I mean different mechanism for me in terms of fear of trying new things since it's more of a "how much time and money am I gonna sink into this obsessively only to completely lose interest in an indeterminate amount of time?". And to your second point, yeah, the world isn't built for those of us who aren't nt. I could go on and on about many anxieties I continue to struggle with to this day, including worry about never truly gaining mastery over myself, losing access to healthcare and/or medication my wife and I need, and external events of climate change, political turmoil, anti-intellectualism, misinformation campaigns, and academics seeming to be losing their fucking minds when it comes to anything philosophy related. I just want to let you know that you're not alone.

As for how I've dealt with this in my life, it's primarily come down to Stoic philosophy. Especially when it comes to the anxiety, it's usually about the framing of how I think about something--much like how modern therapy looks for underlying beliefs and/or experiences that may be a root cause. Someone cuts me off while I'm driving, so I become angry, but it isn't the other driver that has made me angry, it's my opinion on the matter. While it's true that they shouldn't do such things because it's unsafe and can cause harm, it's possible that they didn't do that on purpose and/or out of malice. Even if they did, what would my anger truly accomplish other than increasing my potential to escalate the situation? In fact, if they truly are a 'dumbass' or 'idiot', why would I become angry with them when they act according to their nature? Ultimately, I'm not in control of that person, so why react in emotional futility? I'm in control of me and how I treat others with respect, kindness, and charity. I just give them some extra space for everyone's safety and move on. It's about what I can and cannot control. I cannot control these externalities of reality. It's reality, why not just neutrally accept it as such? I must keep in mind that I always have the option of not having an opinion.

I've always struggled with anxiety in my relationships and my marriage is no exception. I fucking love my wife. She my best friend, the best lover I've ever had, and my whole world. But I don't own her. She isn't mine to keep forever. As the bittersweet saying goes; this too shall pass. She could leave me, she could suddenly and rapidly decline in health, she could die today or in 3,000 years, we could be married for just one more year or maybe 100 more years, who knows? What I do know and can do now is love and appreciate her now, because, well, she is what matters to me and someday she will no longer be in my life. I must admit that despite my many years of therapy, bettering myself, and practicing Stoic philosophy, I'm certain I couldn't handle suddenly losing my wife right now. I don't mean that in the sense that I ought to be able to emotionally shrug it off, because that's insane, unrealistic, and counter to Stoic philosophy, but rather in the sense that I would lose rationality. While I recognize this is a problem, I have found that it's something that is too insurmountable for me to master on my own. So yeah, I still need therapy and I must accept that this is where I am in my efforts to master myself.

The important techniques I've learned that have worked for me that come from Stoic philosophy is daily self-reflection, mindfulness, constant reminders of what I do/do not control, reminders that I will inevitably run into daily troubles, and 'amor fati'(or 'love your fate', that is: to not only accept your life as it is, but to love and appreciate it while you have what you have). Constant self-reflection is crucial because no one truly "controls" how they immediately react to things, as it's the beliefs that will dictate the outcome of your reaction. I became more calm as a driver because of my end-of-day self-reflections in examining why I reacted the ways I did and honestly reasoning with myself about it, which led to me catching myself in those reactions more and more until the unreasonable behavior waned into the past. It's the same with my anxieties, although much more of a game of whack-a-mole and work in progress. But boy have those moles dramatically decreased their frequency in popping up and boy have I regained so much of my life by no longer ceding control of myself to them.

If you want further resources, I strongly recommend reading Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. I can also recommend videos from The Daily Stoic with the asterisk that he can get a little... 'markety' every now and again. As I like to say; eat the meat and throw out the bones. And, of course, I always recommend finding a good therapist that you click with as this stuff is their specialty. I mean, obviously, sure, but I think it's worth mentioning that much of modern therapy finds it's roots in Stoic Philosophy. Anyway, I hope my wall of text is of some use to you or anyone else who took the time to read. I'm open to questions, comments, and any accusations... or just a shrug. It's up to you, afterall, I'm not in control of you.😘

TL;DR: Can relate, although not autistic. You're not alone, your feelings are valid, I recommend Stoic philosophy, I give examples of how it helped me, read Meditations, and I feel gross for using an emoji, but like ¯_(ツ)_/¯

The anxity around enjoying familkiar things is normal to me at least. I can be experiencing peace and quiet. But have fear that an alarm is going to go off or somebody is going to start yelling for no reason. I need earplugs, music or white noise. I can't just enjoy the silence.

I think discomfort about being restricted is just normal regardless of your nero status.

I’m vey uncomfortable with the idea of being restricted from things because of who I am or what I believe in.

I feel the same, I think it's because I used to overshare easily and alienate people? I'm older and now I'm the opposite in real life, I'm super guarded and talk to nobody (because I seriously fell on my nose for being too open and trusting). Online I try to find safe spaces like this one where I can share some of the weirdness.

I'll be going out today first time in months. All day event. I'm nervous but remind myself that I have been out among people often, and often longer. I'm going to enjoy myself. There is still always an effort though to keep active and do things and not have my thoughts stop all my activities.

I can relate to a lot of your post, and I will be forthcoming in that I am also in a major transition of my life that's been mentally difficult. I can also relate to your fear and discomfort. How it plays out for me is that I have a fear of trying new things, getting attached, having them taken away, and then blamed for it as if there were something inherently wrong with me that must be punished through limited access, shaming, or ostracization. I wish people were more accepting of different perspectives and ideas as long as they were respectful, but it seems that the majority of the world uses shortcuts that don't apply well to assessing autistic character. It's confusing and frustrating to me.

Before combating them, I think it's important to validate them first. They probably served a helpful purpose at some point. What do you think that was? Where did they come from? Are they still true now? Be compassionate with yourself through this process! After all, you're trying your best, and we all make mistakes. What helps me is to journal my ideas, let them sit for a while, then re-read it as if someone I cared about was telling me that. I tend to be quite understanding and compassionate with myself that way. It also helps me with self-awareness.

After that, consider how you can test them out in a safe way so that you could slowly integrate into new settings that you would find enjoyable. Maybe, once you consider how those ideas helped you, you could review them for common factors, then search for places that don't necessarily have those common factors. For example, if you liked paddleboarding but found the waves in the ocean too distracting, you could test out paddleboarding in a lake. Or, perhaps if you found dance classes were great at meeting new people, but didn't like the dating feel of it, you could test out taking an art class. Both engage in art, but the latter has less of a romantic feel to it. And regardless, assume most of these will not succeed at being the best, but that's the point. You're testing things out to see which ones feel right and which ones you can cross off of your list. In this fashion, even "failures" are successes.

Another autistic trait to consider is getting highly involved with a topic/hobby: what is commonly referred to as a special interest. We can get obsessive about a topic and let it overrun our lives. Yet, if the thing is taken away, we might feel lost without it. I don't know a clear solution to this because I really like being able to engage in something so deeply, almost as if it creates a sense of purpose, but the loss is equally terrible. Some ideas that come up to help remedy this is to develop a diversity of interests that aren't dependent on each other. So, if your paddle board breaks, you can still go to the art classes. Also, no matter what happens with the art classes, you will still have all your paintings and skills that you acquired throughout the experience. Another remedy would be to create a list of signs that things are starting to go poorly ahead of time. So if you start noticing that your paddle board is starting to break, you can take steps to solve the issue before it becomes detrimental, whether that be fixing the paddle board or testing out a new hobby. If the students in the art class start breaking up into cliques and you get a sense of antagonism, you can try getting closer to your paddle board buddies in the meantime while also considering a new art class. The point is to not be left empty-handed and in despair, which is quite a difficult position to get out of and a general displeasure.

The last thing that I have noticed helps me a lot is to get support from others. I like to run ideas by people to see what they think so that I can avoid making major mistakes. I tend to have this pattern where I will go 100% on something, really work out tons of details, and be really happy with the product, only to realize that there was a major flaw in the process. A simple example of this could be getting groceries. I will review everything I have at home, make a list of everything I need, prepare the list so that it is categorized by aisle and I don't get overwhelmed when shopping, and have a system for selecting the specific brand and size when presented with multiple options. I'll be so proud of this system and put it into effect. I will go to the cashier, happy with my accomplishment, pay for the groceries, and then leave...leaving all of the groceries until I get in the car and realize I left it all. While it's silly, I think it illustrates my point well, lol. Anyway, I like to run ideas by people to see what they think and if they have any suggestions or concerns that I might not have considered, such as being distracted and leaving the groceries behind (I've only done this like ~10 times). This helps me avoid unnecessary hardship and feel confident in my plan. If you're looking for a place where you can talk to other autistic people, I think our Matrix chat room might be a good start. Come on in, say hi, get a feel for the place, and join the conversations! Everyone has been pretty welcoming and respectful.

I hope my essay helps! I didn't mean for it to be this long, but I guess I got into it. 😜 fart noise