I literally asked my wife to marry me on the first date and she said yes. Getting right to the point is a woman after my own heart. Neither of us have ever dated before or, naturally, since.
We've been together for ten years.
We are also on the spectrum so that may have been a factor.
Yeah that was a major factor
I had food come out my nose when I read the last line of that post. Lol...phew...
Why marriage? Can't you just start living together first?
Asking someone to marry you on the first is just stupid. Many things could not work out and marriage is a big thing. Imagine spending time and money and then find out that you are not fit together. Then you live a miserable life or fill for a divorce.
We did--After we agreed to get married, because we were quite sure, but at the same time we didn't want to impose such a stark change right away in case the change would exceed one's ability to cope with change which could lead to panic, meltdowns, etc. Neither of us handle change very well. We didn't actually get married immediately of course. She packed up a pod and moved in next. It was months before.
We also talked about having kids right away. Not having them right away! But we talked about it immediately, I think like five minutes in, because isn't it important to know?
As a counterpoint: nothing in life is without risk. I've seen friends take it slow and end up divorced, too.
i wish i was on the fios instead
Many guys don't realize but a spectrum lady is perfect. They get to the point, tell you when something is wrong, and are excellent listeners. They also have incredibly complex hobbies that seem really simple, like knitting or baking, that can pay off for helpers around them as snacks and gifts. If you ever felt you didn't find the person who speaks to you, think different.
As someone married to a spectrum lady, that description is absolutely not universal.
As someone who is a spectrum lady, yeah, we're not a stereotypical monolith..
Yeah my wife has been playing minecraft for two weeks lol. Someday she may pick up one of those valuable hobbies, but idgaf and I’m not betting on it
And yeah, don’t skip on autistic women, I love two, but don’t fetishize them either
Oh, the old "I know somebody with X so everybody with X is the same" ...
Those attributes are an important part of what I like about her! Very direct, very plain to a fault. She has never and probably will never have an interest in playing interpersonal games. Zero drama. Loyal, because she doesn't like change. She's obsessive in her interests meaning we both easily get sufficient time to be our own person.
Sure, she's exceptionally sensitive about certain textures and sounds, but I understand because I'm the same way. Meeting her was like living a life where everyone speaks this language that I just wasn't born with, and finding someone else who is just as confused as I am was really validating.
So yes, I suggested that we marry, and she says yes you will suffice... which is perhaps the highest compliment she has ever paid me.
I was happy for you until that last line...oof.
Haha, well, I told my family that a person has to get to know her. She seems bitter at first but that's just how she is. Besides, they don't have to live with her. I do.
Not using her outward appearance, countenance, or facial expressions as indicative of her true feelings is part of the package. It takes getting used to, and it's not right for everyone.
"Sufficient" is her elation.
she says yes you will suffice…
FWIW that totally made sense to me. When I read that, I caught my breath or my heart skipped a beat or something.
Ok, but what about the most important thing? Are they freaks 😈
Jesus
My wife and I started living together after 3 months, talking marriage at 6, and formally engaged at 9 months. We've been married over 6 years now.
I don't have time for high school nonsense. I'm not going to burn 1+ years of my life on a "maybe". The older I get, the better I learn what I want and don't want.
We both had similar goals, or rather, goals that we could grow in together and not go separate ways. We had a shared sense of humor. My weaknesses were her strengths and vice versa. And we have activities we love doing together and things we love doing alone. It's fucking great.
A major advantage of dating when you're closer to 30 is that, for most people, you're finally secure enough in your own identity to where you worry less about whether they like you and more about whether you like them.
If I had stopped to ask myself the latter question at 22, I would have saved myself the raging dumpster fire that was my first marriage because the answer was a resounding "No." My first wife was a horrible person with very little to like. But back then I didn't like "me" very much and I guess on some level I was afraid that no one else would either. Despite plenty of evidence to the contrary.
As I near 50 my plan if I ever have to date again is just to wear a pin with my age and "single" on it and if anyone wants to know more they can ask.
clinical anxiety speedrun
if skyrim has taught me anything, it's that wearing jewelry that says single will attract literally everyone
A: "Hey, remember me?"
B: "Oh yeah, we used to date. You single now?"
A: "Yeah. You too?"
B: "Yeah. Wanna give it a shot?"
A: "Hmm... OK."
My sister-in-law got divorced and re-entered the dating pool recently.
She skipped the big family Thanksgiving because the guy she was talking to wasn't free any other day.
He flaked on her, lol.
Being free on thanksgiving wasn't a red flag? Lmao.
Some people don't have families. Being free on Thanksgiving isn't in and of itself a crime.
Meanwhile my ADHD ass is like: "I really liked her we should go out again... Next season".
Frieren be like
Can't really relate, because I am only 24yo. Rant incoming;
Though I am sort of reluctant to try dating. In the past, I tried dating apps but they yielded no results. The women I matched with all ghosted me. Really did a number on my self-esteem. Who knows? Maybe I've got the face for radio?
And in all honesty, it feels like I've got to abide by ridiculous standards. The likes of being buff and tall, owning a car and house, a 6-figure salary, etc. I am still studying and trying to get my bachelor degree. All of these requirements put a ton of pressure on me. Is every woman looking for that? Of course not—that's not what I am implying. But from my personal experience it's certainly starting to feel that way.
Not surprised why redpill content is booming. They're not right, but there is truth to be found in some of their statements. In the end, I do introspection to identify my flaws and improve on myself. Nevertheless, even by doing all of that it feels like it's never enough.
There are so many benign reasons you can reject someone.
Maybe you just deleted the app because you're done with trying for now.
Maybe you like someone but move on because things just got serious someone else you found first.
Maybe you like someone but there's some dealbreaker like distance or having kids or something else random they have a bias about.
Maybe you reject someone without thinking there's anything wrong with them, you just don't feel compatible.
And yeah some people will reject you because you're not rich or your looks aren't perfect, that happens too, but only a small percentage of people are rich or look perfect, you just have to make peace with not being that. Just about everyone else is in the same boat.
Don't let incel types cause you to shape your impression of why you're being rejected and turn it into a reason to hate a whole gender. Some of them have shitty standards, sure, but don't turn it into a rule about them. That leads to a downward spiral.
Don't let incel types cause you to shape your impression of why you're being rejected and turn it into a reason to hate a whole gender. Some of them have shitty standards, sure, but don't turn it into a rule about them. That leads to a downward spiral.
Absolutely, I agree. What I was trying to convey is that to me it never feels like I am enough. I know rejection is part of the game. However, it does hit hard—it affects my self-esteem. That is my problem and I need to work on that.
Still, I think you can agree there is a lot of competition going on. It's axiomatic that there are more men on dating apps than women. That leaves me at a disadvantage. To make matters worse, these apps are designed to judge someone based on looks. I am pretty fit, though nowhere near extremely strong. Just plain average.
I don't blame women for choosing the top percent of men on these apps (if the roles were reversed I would've likely done the same). Yet for someone the likes of me the only winning move is not to play.
Also, I am no misogynist. I don't abhor women for being rejected. They don't owe me anything. That is not to say that I don't find the process of finding a love companion difficult.
Wish you a wonderful Happy New Year bud!
Absolutely, I agree. What I was trying to convey is that to me it never feels like I am enough.
I hear you. I absolutely hated most of my twenties and teen years due to loneliness. But, it's important to remember that online dating platforms are pure garbage. They are run by business people with business goals, not to actually help people connect and find lasting relationships - that loses them customers. Not to mention the vapid, shallow culture that has been cultivate, by those running them. The number of bots and plain awful people that you are lucky to avoid is ridiculously high because many are little more than scams to extract money from lonely guys.
I know rejection is part of the game.
That's part of the beauty of being a human that these companies desperately try to hide. We have the choice to not play the bullshit games. It makes life much nicer.
However, it does hit hard—it affects my self-esteem. That is my problem and I need to work on that.
I know this experily. You are a worthwhile human being, and deserve love and happiness. Sure, I'm just some random dude on the internet and you have no reason to believe anything that I type or the sincerity on my words but, it's true.
So much of what is pushed in modern culture is done so just for the sake of making people miserable so that they buy more bullshit. Rom-coms are the fucking worst (though I do still enjoy them occassionally). Everything in them surrounding masculinity and courtship is pure dysfunctional, toxic drek.
Want a functional, loving relationship that will last? Find someone who is compatible and has shared interests. If you are not driven by competition and conquest, don't "chase" someone who doesn't show interest - it's a waste of your time and will probably make them uncomfortable. If you are, get your peacocking and fashion game on-point.There is no one way of finding a good partner except for being your best you and ignoring 99% of pop culture romance.
Hone yourself into the version of you that you most want to be and the people who appreciate that find your traits, interests, and personality attractive will likely come into your life as a natural consequence of your actions.
All the best for a very happy New Year. Keep rocking and being your badass self.
Thank you for the lovely words. Really appreciate it! Sympathehic people like you are the true heroes without capes.
Everything you said resonated with me. This world is messed up, though we ought to be careful to let it define us. After all, we dictate our lives. I'll continue my quest of finding a lasting, functional, loving relationship.
Wish you a splendid New Year!
It's important to understand that being on dating apps is not the same as dating in real life. We often see people in more superficial ways on apps and judge them in a way we wouldn't necessarily do in real life.
Women looking at men that way in dating apps is definitely a reflection on how they do in real life but it's amplified quite a bit.
Men are the same. How many times have you swiped left on a girl just because you didn't think she was attractive? She seemed really cool and like someone you'd get along with but she just wasn't attractive.
This again is a reflection on how men view women in real life but amplified. In real life you wouldn't be that harsh.
It's important to stay grounded and remember that everyone is just a stupid human who thinks they know what they want and may put high expectations on someone but often doesn't take a moment to think 'Am I all that though?'
Well, right about online stuff. I would also have ridiculous standards if there were 10x more women than men. Just expand your social circle and eventually you'll meet normal people XD
Man, I can relate, I was in a bad way when I was 24. I was very lonely and dangerously far down the incel path (though nobody called it that then) before I snapped out of it.
What I wish I had understood then is just how vast the bredth of human experience is. It may be hard to imagine right now given experiences you've had, but there are a lot of women who would be into you if given the chance. I know this is true because women are people. Quite a few of them are into men, of those quite a few are available and also yearning for a connection, and of those quite a few still are into some of your interests and particularly like various traits that describe you.
Rejection can be hard, but it only means it's not just right just now for just her, not that there's anything wrong with you.
Dating in your 40s is like routinely checking the fridge for food but finding nothing. You know nothing is in there, but you keep looking for some reason.
...and eventually you get desperate enough to drink that milk that expired 30 days ago.
I’m not too sure you’re right on that. I’m just recently separated (divorced soon), and my uh, “fridge“ is full of many good things and I wasn’t even stocking it.
Look, I’m no Brad Pitt, more like a tall, chubby Jason Stantham. So when I tell you I’ve got a few offers from my self defense class girl partners for coffee or a movie, I suspect the dating life is going to be fine.
As a woman I have plenty of choices they just all kinda suck. My fridge is full of purple stuff and no Sunny D.
I mean, i’m free now, you’re a linux lover, I’m a professional Linux-man. what say you Internet stranger? if you live in CO, come hang out. I have zero party plans tonight, but I am wearing my snazzy New Years Shirt!
Seriously, lame humor aside, I wish you the best.
Unfortunately I'm far from CO or I'd be taking you up on that.
next time internet stranger, next time.
The problem with modern dating: you have to get a smell of them to find out if you're compatible or not. Any metric available online is only going to do way more to fuck up your chances than anything. If you want to find someone based on shared passions it's more than easy enough to just find them through going out there and being yourself. Easier said than done with alienation being at an all time high...
Probably not.