this post was submitted on 21 Feb 2024

353 points (99.2% liked)

The Onion

4417 readers

931 users here now

The Onion

A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.

Great Satire Writing:

founded 2 years ago

MODERATORS

[email protected]

353

Russian autopsy shows Navalny locked self in Siberian gulag, poisoned self (www.thebeaverton.com)

submitted 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

24 comments fedilink hide all child comments

"MOSCOW – Officials from the Kremlin, under the close supervision of Russian President Vladimir Putin, have concluded an autopsy of Alexei Navalny, concluding that the recently-deceased opposition leader spontaneously sentenced himself to 30 years in a remote Siberian gulag before then ingesting his own poison that he brought from home."

all 25 comments

sorted by: hot top controversial new old

[–] [email protected] 110 points 8 months ago (1 children)

This is the second Onion headline in two days that I only realized was an Onion headline after I clicked the link.

[–] [email protected] 15 points 8 months ago

And it's really kind of not.

[–] [email protected] 44 points 8 months ago (4 children)

Yea this one seems like less satire and more stating the obvious. Russia would even say something this dumb. Didn't they LITERALLY say several people fell out of windows as official explanations over the years? They also say asinine things about any embarassing moment, like some now claim the attack on Kyiv was a "raid attempt" and not a fucking new opening of an older war...

[–] [email protected] 6 points 8 months ago

Hundreds have jumped off balconies since Putin took over. It was also known to be the preferred calling card for urban KGB operators when he was working with them.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 8 months ago

Some TV mouth breather already announced an 'investigation' claiming he'd show dying was his last provocation against Russia.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 8 months ago (1 children)

“Suicide by two gunshot wounds to the back of the head”

[–] [email protected] 1 points 8 months ago (1 children)

That's more the US style of getting rid of dissidents

[–] [email protected] 2 points 8 months ago

In the 70s or 80s, sure. But I think the CIA at this point is incredibly efficient at just disappearing someone, or staging an accident so believable it couldn’t be an assassination. If agent 47 exists he’s a CIA operative.

[+] [email protected] -11 points 8 months ago (3 children)

Do you know of any legit source that shows it was most likely murder? Not to say I don't believe it, but Innocent until proven guilty, right?

[–] [email protected] 8 points 8 months ago (1 children)

No. It's Russia, and about enemies of evil people. Only a fucking moron doesn't think it was intentional.

[–] [email protected] -2 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago) (2 children)

Of course, and I'm happy to believe you. I assume it was intentional, but that's not an assumption based on any facts. Can you show me some facts on which a reasonable person could base an assumption? "Trust me bro" has historically been an awful source.

Right now in America, it is the case that plenty of people aligned with the Democrats have a good reason to want Joe Biden dead. If he were to die suspiciously tomorrow, would it be reasonable to say that it must have been Republicans who did it?

[–] [email protected] 8 points 8 months ago (1 children)

I’m so sorry but you’re all over the place, which group of democrats “wants Joe Biden dead”?

I’d be super wary of interacting with the above user because they actually appear to be arguing in bad faith in an effort to just seed wild claims.

[–] [email protected] -4 points 8 months ago

Umm, all the Democrats who want to beat trump, for one. All the ones who hate genocide too. I wasn't saying actively seeking, just prefer dead to not dead.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 8 months ago (1 children)

No, because Democrats don't have a history of murdering political opponents...

[–] [email protected] -4 points 8 months ago (1 children)

Uhh, yes, they do. Have you heard of literally any country in South America? Just about every one of them has had a politician murdered by USA.

Or consider Edward Snowden or Julian Assange. If either American hero returned to his home, he would be killed within a month for made up treason. The two countries have a lot more in common than people seem to think.

But my overall point is, can you give me any sort of evidence of foul play beyond "trust me bro"? I am more than willing to believe it, but innocent until proven guilty is the only correct way to do this stuff. This comment thread literally looks exactly like when MAGAs were convinced that Hillary Clinton had murdered Seth Rich (along with a couple others I think), just wild baseless speculation being enforced by the hive mind, evidence be damned.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago) (1 children)

Ah yes, first we were talking about Putin, then Biden... but since you got no purchase there, it's on to ... South America?

Stop moving the goal post so much. It makes it too obvious you're only pushing an opinion and not debating reality.

I am no defender of Democrats, but you have to be literally retarded to think Putin is nicer to opponents.

[–] [email protected] -2 points 8 months ago (1 children)

I'm not moving the goalposts, America does evil shit in a different way than Russia does. There's no reason 2 fruits can't be compared. Like, right now Putin is being nicer to his opponents, due to the genocide America is sponsoring, which is obviously the clear worst possible act. There's also a lot to be said for Russia staying in their lane. Russia goes to war with their neighbor, USA goes to the middle east, on the literal other side of the globe. America will prosecute Donald Trump but assassinate Snowden, Epstein, MLK, etc. Reversing that doesn't seem meaningfully worse to me. One could argue it's better.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 8 months ago (1 children)

There's no reason 2 fruits can't be compared.

I find it hard to believe that you’re not familiar with the famous phrase “comparing apples and oranges,” which is specifically about attempting to compare incomparable items.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago) (1 children)

Yes, that was my point. In both situations, it's actually quite easy to compare the 2 sides. Both America and Russia use the playbook "Might makes right". Go ahead and argue that one or the other is worse, there's good arguments for both. But claiming they're incomparable is absurd, unless you're saying it because you think they are too similar to each other to differentiate between. Just like apples and oranges are both medium size, round, sweet fruits with seeds and a reddish-yellow outside. Both groups are essentially the same thing, with a couple intrinsic, but ultimately insignificant, differences.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago)

That’s the thing: you’re proving the idiom in the way that you’re arguing. Naively, one would expect that comparing fruit is easy; after all, they’re both fruit. Two nations have supposedly, in an official capacity, made the same statement (which I don’t believe without you providing a source, and yes the burden is on you).

The thing is that these are all superficial observations on complex entities. The idiom of comparing two fruits is a common idiom in many cultures, and it’s not for want of an internet commenter pointing out that they’re sweet, have seeds, and are similar colour.

General point: practice making pithy arguments based on well researched points. I’m struggling to see an actual point in the drivel you’re writing. It isn’t a reading comprehension issue; I read and write dense academic articles for a living. Short, pithy sentences are simply better writing.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 8 months ago (1 children)

I follow news. You can google these facts. I don't have all the links at hand since it happened last friday.

A courtage of cops driving over the bridge with unmarked vehicle and a van inbetween that was posted by Mediazona and then repeated in propagandist's video. No one knew that his dead body was moved at that time.
It happened exactly one month before a future election.
Many officers of ФСИН were rewarded in a short period of time between his death and now.
People who tried to commemorate his death with flowers were imprisoned and charged, an order to observe monuments to political prisoners was leaked.
He was secretly driven to a remote location, quickly died there and then the reveal of a corpse was put to a later time to disperse any reaction, and he was once again moved.

That's not regular procedures.

There's no obvious benefits to that, as he had no power, so it's probably completely symbolical. Demonizing him and his peers even more can be a boost for elections though. And the way the state services act mysteriously there doesn't show they want one truth, but a polarizing event that'd harm opposition and approve the position held by his support base.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 8 months ago

Thanks for the breakdown, I follow news, but there sure is a lot of it lately. And especially with American takes on Russia, it is effectively impossible to find reliable news sources beyond literally Reddit, and now even reddit isn't reliable. I don't even trust American News about American news, certainly not Russian.

On #3, that isnt a regular occurrence, right? I mean, I can imagine Biden getting assassinated, and then a month later Congress gets their quarterly bribes. It definitely looks suspicious, but it's actually business as usual.

In #s 1 and 5, that's all post mortem, right? Are the circumstances of the actual death equally suspicious? Cause like, the CIA and FBI worked very hard to cover up their long association with Lee Harvey Oswald, but that doesn't necessarily mean they told him to do it. Do you think it's possible a similar situation could have occured here?

[–] [email protected] 1 points 8 months ago

lmao

[–] [email protected] 7 points 8 months ago

in soviet russia onion is the news