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I wanted to feel loved. I just went through another break-up. My partner was actively trying to cheat at the time too, which is the second time I've experienced this behaviour. Now I'm not one to use small sample-sizes - but I am. So I took it as a sign that something was wrong with me. Does no one care about me? I politely listen to everyone, I help when I'm asked, I go out of my way for people... What was wrong with me?
I started blindly by researching anything that made me feel 'better'. I started a ton of language courses, Began research on psychology and ANYTHING related to it - I spent months learning colour theory because someone mentioned colours can affect our emotions and that was good enough for me to invest my time.
That was all useful, but it didn't help with my goal or reinvent me. It's the matter that I was desperate for change and seeking something I wasn't completely aware of.
My discovery of Mortimer J. Adler's How to Read was life changing. After reading it I began seeking information from the back. The philosophy chipped a crack in the corruption from my youth and I was finally able to ask the questions I needed for change. The psychology helped shape those questions.
I've seen many functional families in my youth, but I never questioned why mine wasn't and there's probably a good reason for that. I decided to approach my family on all of the verbal abuse and neglect I received in my youth. The rejection and blatant denial of events broke me and put me in a dissociative state; I experienced temporary ego death. The rejection was the most horrific thing I've experienced to this moment. However, the following two months were euphoria as I was able to finally see objective reality beyond my subjective experience. Everything I'd read was starting to click into place like a domino effect... I hadn't understood trans issues before-hand, I even contributed to some of the hate, but suddenly everything seemingly made sense and I could see the error of my ways.
My ego came back due to the fast-paced nature of my chaotic life, but the event still radically changed me. I'm reconnecting with my family as I can finally see their horrifically misguided love for the lack of emotional intelligence that it is. The world feels more accessible as I'm aware of just how much power I as an individual with knowledge actually have (and the moral responsibility that follows)... I did a 180 on hoarding and became as non-materialistic as I could. Anything I own has purpose or it has a deep emotional connection to someone I care about. <3
I started off depressed, lost, confused, now I'm vibing with the moments and only slightly less lost and confused. :)