Ask Lemmy

Pro: Never alone
Con: Never alone

A thing I didn't understand before getting into a long term commitment with my partner was the money impact:

• Our combined expenses are lower than our individual expenses were. I have happily slept next to this person in a small tent, even though I hate tents. This effect scales to making all kinds of little things more tolerable and somehow cheaper.
• An accountability partner has made me both stick to my budget more often, and cheat on my budget at better, more memorable times.

I had always heard that a spouse and kids were cost, cost, cost. I was surprised to learn how much money shared expenses saves.

Kids are still really fucking expensive, though. They didn't lie about that.

Advantage:

• You have someone to talk to
• You have someone to eat with
• You have someone to have sex with
• You have someone to pool resources with
• You have someone whose family is now your extended family

Disadvantage:

• You have to talk to someone
• You have to eat with someone
• You have to have sex with someone
• You have to pool resources with someone
• You have more fucking family you have to do things with

Nobody, so far, has addressed the physical intimacy bit, to my satisfaction.

There's kinds of intimacy satisfaction that are only possible after years and years of practice and communication. That usually also includes sex, but it doesn't have to.

There's something special about being touched (and not touched!) at just the right time, in just the right way.

Those of us in relationships that are really long running tend not to talk about it, because it doesn't make everyone who hears it better off, since there's a ton of luck involved in finding a long term partner for it.

Third answer, then I'm done.

Disadvantages, and how I mitigate them:

• Shift in hobbies. We have shared passions and different passions. There are some hobbies that my partner doesn't love that I don't love enough to do without my partner. I still make time, alone, for my favorite solo hobbies. So does my partner. We have more shared hobbies now. And we have some parallel hobbies (where do we totally separate things, at the same time, and sometimes we compete to be the most boring in hope that the kids will get into the other partner's hobby, instead, for a few minutes.)
• I had a weird belief that I should stop masturbating once in a relationship. It took me awhile to figure out that, sure, there can be a timing aspect to having a particularly good time, but what everyone really loves is someone who can still take care of themselves.
• Time alone - my partner and I try to send each-other out, alone, at least a couple times each month. We're all objectively delightful, but everyone needs a break.
• Sleeping together is nice, sometimes sleeping alone is better. I'm increasingly a subscriber to John Hodgeman's opinion that everyone, who can, should try to set up a "guest" sleeping spot for either spouse to retreat to. A recliner can be great, because it's often when someone had a cold and needs to sleep elevated anyway.
• Religion and politics. My religious and political beliefs have shifted continentally since I committed to my partner. So have my partner's, and not always in the same direction. I choose my partner over my favorite politician or pastor. This wasn't a hard choice for me - my favorite politician and my favorite pastor have never touched me in ways that arouse me... Thankfully.

Good things: you get someone to spend time with. Frequent sex. Someone to share your world with.b you tell your secrets, you trust them

Bad things: they have their own needs, even when it isn't convenient for you. You have to accept that you're a partnership, and their judgement is important. You trust them, whether or not they deserve it. You are open and vulnerable, which means you're vulnerable. Sex can be mechanical and unfulfilling. Your growth needs to include them

That's a working model, but I think there are different types of relationships. A type of relationship would be an element of the power set of { friendship, romance, sex }.

One person might only like relationships without sex, another might dislike the whole romance part,...

Each of these aspects of a relaionship has their advantages and disadvantages. The relationship as a whole is just the sum of them.

If you are in a (romantic, personal) relationship, then it is not transactional. Cost/benefit analysis is not really applicable.

Main advantage: You feel whole

Main disadvantage: You always have your plate full because you got a little more than wholeness

Assuming a healthy, loving relationship:

Advantages

• You always have someone in your corner. Someone who will stand next to you and face whatever comes. Someone who will listen to your fears and anxieties, and reassure you. Someone who can take one look at your face and know that you need a hug, or a tickle monster attack, or a cup of tea.

• You have someone who considers you vital to their happiness. You're the person in their corner. You get to love, support, and nurture them just as they do for you.

• You have a built-in partner for things like camping, traveling, going to trivia night at the local bar. Someone who will bring you a beer when you're too lazy to get up from the couch. Someone who you can make smile just by bringing them coffee in bed.

• You can be yourself! They love you just the way you are, you lil weirdo.

• The stability that comes from a relationship with mutual respect, cooperation, and negotiation is really comforting.

Disadvantages

• You lose some spontaneity for doing things solo, because you need to check with your partner to make sure you don't already have plans.

• Sometimes you have to hide snack foods if you hope to get your fair share. We have a drawer in our fridge that didn't get much use. I started squirreling away cans of sparkling water in there because if I didn't hide them, they'd all be gone by the time I decided I wanted one.

• You can get into a rut, but neither one tries to change it on the assumption that the other one is happy that way.

• Sometimes they toot in bed 😡

This is not a problem for the vast majority of people but I was always told that women don't want to have sex but turns out that they do and this is bit of an issue as I don't particularly enjoy that myself.

Another issue is that I like being alone but not all day every day but being in a relationship means I have to leave the house to be alone.

Nice to have a fulltime friend

It tends to change what you're free to do every day

You trade off freedom for companionship basically, but in a good relationship you can still have a good amount of freedom still (you just need to consider the needs of your partner too).

Relationships take effort and compromise, communicating can be hard.

You are never alone…

This counts as both.