Asklemmy

(Not a woman): my partner does not like receiving oral sex or other kinds of sex where she is mostly passive/receiving, because she doesn’t like feeling put on the spot and obligated to react.

If your partner has been not getting much from sex for a long time now, then she is also probably feeling a lot of pressure to change and behave right and react as expected which would be not pleasant for her.

Maybe ask her if she wants to play a game where she reads a book out loud (sexy book or bit sexy book) or play a cozy video game or some other activity where you get to enjoy yourself playing with her body for potentially a long time, and she has something else to pay attention to besides her own sexual performance? That would probably also go well with deep toys on low power as well.

Just, maybe avoid Call of Duty for this one. It has to be a lazy activity she’s doing. If her attention is successfully diverted 100% to the point the sex is an irritating distraction then that’s not any fun for anybody

My own experience is that the lower and side areas around the opening going into the vagina are a lot more stimulating than the clitoris, which makes penetrative sex so much better. This is not very common for women, but it might apply to your partner. Applying gentle pressure to these areas is good for me so that could be something to try. Gauge her reaction. I believe this preference is very uncommon, and I've had partners refuse to believe I like it, so I'm not very open about it anymore.

Couple of pointers. One, if she is on any medication, check for any side effects. That includes any birth control pills. Two, you mentioned neither she masturbates nor she has experience, hence I would suggest that she may try masturbating if she is okay to try out. That may uncover more about her body.

Also if she lacks experience, it can take months for her to be completely comfortable and enjoy it, because relaxing is not very easy for everyone.

Go by her lead. She will tell you what she wants if she wants it, and you guys have open communication. Don't over think sex, and sex performance

Talk to your partner about it

Trying to think of a way to bring her to be comfortable in stimulating her body in different ways... What if you'd masturbate by watching her and for you she just mildly rubs her body gently. Then eventually you can ask her to fake rub her vulva to turn you on. Kinda making it her job in a way and associating self rubbing with pleasure. Hopefully that makes sense.

Is this something she expects you to figure out for her?
If I were you, I'd explain that you're open to try anything in any way that she is willing to try with you, but the initiative must come from her. You are there for her to help her figure it out, if she's interested in trying something.
If she is interested in exploring this, she will. If she is not, well, then nothing you can do will help or convince her. Instead it could become a stressful expectation in itself.

It's probably too sensitive? Have you tried stimulating it indirectly, for example by licking/touching its hood right above it instead?

Also, take your time, listen to the body language and if you sense some kind of positive response you keep doing exactly that, you don't change the pace, pressure, angle, etc.

Hello. I might be of a similar build as your partner. And here is the key question: Is she able to pleasure HERSELF via clitoris YES or NO?

Personally my answer for this is yes, but so far I've never met anyone who could do this for me without some heavy guidance. I would absolutely NOT enjoy my clit rubbed roughly or gently, with fingers or tongue, with or without lube. Thinking about it alone makes me wince. The clit you see is always like the tip of the iceberg, there is a very sensitive part poking but there is a much larger nerve network underneath. Most people seem to find pleasurable working with the tip of the iceberg alone, and that's what you seem to have described. But some prefer working with what's surrounding it, and it is still technically clitoral stimulation so that's what my question is about.

If she tells you the only way she's ever going to orgasm is by penetration, then leave it at that.

If instead she says yes she can but that it is too difficult to explain/guide someone else to do it, then I can give you a few pointers to start exploring. Everyone is different so I can't guarantee what works for me also works in your case though, but it's worth a shot. It took me a while to figure out how my own body worked and I can understand someone just opting to skip the hassle of having to teach another person how to do this especially when getting it wrong can get painful/ kill the mood/ lower their or your confidence/ end in an argument etc.

What does she do when she is doing herself? And is she getting orgasm that way, and is she getting it with you in any way?

If she can do direct clitoral stimulation for herself, it's possible you are just too rough, a lot of guys are. But also possible that she's just wired so that direct contact is unpleasant.

It's hard to recommend without more information but I would suggest a tight angle face to face, that she might be able to sort of grind on you while fucking, to get some vulva stimulation and the inside feeling, that might push her over. Also maybe try playing with her boobs while she's on top.

Mostly I think you are on the right track with the mental angle - engaging the mind, find out what she thinks about and use that, give up your ideas about every woman being wired the same.

And Do Not Push her. Really listen to what she wants.

Is it that she doesn't like the sensation or she just can't cum? It may be too "intense" so you can try stimulating near the clit with a vibrator instead of directly on.

Try G spot simulation- use a couple of fingers in a "come hither" motion inside. Maybe try that after having piv sex as she may be more turned on. Be communicative together.

Try other erogenous zones like nipples and neck simultaneously as clitoral stimulation and/or g spot.

Use toys in all configurations.

Probably just ask about it. They could be asexual. Years ago I was with someone who was, and we had sex, a lot of dirty fun, she was totally into it, but she didn’t cum and told me she doesn’t need to. I found out after that she loves having sex just to feel close and connect, not for sexual gratification, she didn’t masturbate either.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gray_asexuality

Without knowing your relationship history, maybe your partner is somewhere in this space but doesn’t openly talk about it?

How are you in the same boat as me?

Try other areas of her body (e.g. neck, ear, nipple), try full body massage beforehand, her mental state as well as yours will definitely play a role, and there are certain rhythms and grip techniques if penetration is the only positive sensation for her. Also maybe she would be more turned on by switching roles more where you were on the receiving end. Have fun, good luck!

Anecdotal, and not a woman personally, but I’ve had a similar experience from days long gone; ultimately we ended up trying out different toys and the sucking sort of vibrator with lower settings was what got her past the “block”, but it was via masturbation. We’d only move it to our together time after she got comfortable with the sensation and desensitized, as she described it. In our part of the world the main brand name for this kind of toy was “satisfyer”, not sure if that is global though.

After a while it all just clicked and it became something more familiar to me too, with fingers and tongue (though she did still prefer sucking over licking, which for me as a young man back then was new, but very much a priceless enlightenment and a much appreciated skill I later had time to hone more) ultimately joining in and it all becoming something more familiar to my less experienced younger self.

What I’ve learnt since though, is that everyone is so wildly different, that just simply masturbating together, or learning to, if the other party/parties aren’t experienced there, has been key to lasting mutual satisfaction. And people and their needs/wants change over time, that’s also important to keep in mind. And masturbation is the thing that naturally reflects that. Just talk, talk, talk, and then experiment. Try and keep an open mind, and try to be accommodating. Change and new things take time. Try your best not to get frustrated or load too much expectations into the process. And try and understand the other party/parties are the ones having a harder time coming to terms with the fact that they could not meet your initial expectations. They have a lot of pressure due to this, though it’ll ultimately be mutually beneficial.

Also I’ve noted that it’s so easy to fall prey to thinking that you’re the one giving or somehow “improving” their life here, but this is, in fact, your need that needs to get satisfied. You want her to feel things she does not currently. It’s not a bad thing, this is how life is when you share it with someone, but do not think you are being the giving party here. This is your need, which she either chooses to accommodate and figure out together, or not. And you might best start accepting that this experiment might not lead anywhere, and that you might have to change your expectations accordingly.