this post was submitted on 26 Nov 2023
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Food Crimes - Offenses against nutrition

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Welcome to Food Crimes! This community is here to collect all and any post about cursed food and generally unusual consumables.

Right now, here’s the rules:

  1. Posts must include an image or video containing food or drink.
  2. It must be unusual or cursed in some way. a. For example, something like Doritos Milk would be unusual, but normal milk would not.
  3. No AI posts whatsoever, and any images that were altered (Ex: Photoshop, Gimp) need to be tagged.

How to tag: To tag your posts, please prepend or append the tag name inside square brackets. For example,[OC] Foo bar baz or foo bar baz [Meta] would be acceptable. Multiple tags will require separate pairs of brackets, like so: [Edited][OC] foo bar baz

Here are the current tags:

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(BTW, I’m looking for someone to help mod here! I myself would not be enough if this community goes beyond a few posts a day.)

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[–] [email protected] 47 points 11 months ago (7 children)

To be fair as someone from Louisiana.... All of you should be banned from making food

[–] [email protected] 43 points 11 months ago (2 children)

Don’t even pretend like y’all don’t have some weird shit on your menus.

[–] [email protected] 38 points 11 months ago (18 children)

Cheesecake is a bit of a misnomer. It's more like an etouffee in a crust.

[–] [email protected] 43 points 11 months ago (2 children)
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[–] [email protected] 16 points 11 months ago (3 children)

I'm from Louisiana/Texas with family in the Midwest. When we'd visit for the holidays, it was some disgusting shit. Green, opaque jello molds with random foods suspended in it, pickles and cream cheese on toothpicks, and random "salads" like the ones above. My mom (from the south) made macaroni and cheese casserole one year up there and everyone was floored

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[–] [email protected] 41 points 11 months ago (3 children)

Ahhh, Mom's pineapple cheese salad. Reminds me of when she used to handcuff us to the chairs and tell us to go ahead and scream while spooning it down our gullets. I miss her every day since the hay baler accident. Dinner just isn't the same.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Did they ever find out who started the baler?

[–] [email protected] 13 points 11 months ago (1 children)

There were too many sets of fingerprints on the button, like they all pressed it at once somehow.

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[–] [email protected] 38 points 11 months ago (6 children)

I’m from small-town Iowa originally. My grandma made many of these “Midwest Salads”.

I went back for a funeral a few years ago. The was a reception/lunch at our old church. I got a serving of something that looked like jello with cream cheese on top, seemed interesting. But no, it was jello with mandarin oranges in it, and it wasn’t cream cheese, but about a quarter-inch of Miracle Whip on top, sprinkled with grated carrots. I took a bite, smiled, turned to my wife, and said, “I’m home again!”

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[–] [email protected] 34 points 11 months ago (7 children)

Ha ha. I had a gf from oklahoma whose mom made an old family recipe, "Pea Salad". Of course I'd never heard of pea salad. It is cubes of cheddar cheese, chopped iceberg lettuce, canned peas, and Miracle Whip.

[–] [email protected] 23 points 11 months ago

That must be depression era food because it sounds depressing as hell.

[–] [email protected] 14 points 11 months ago

ahhhhhhhh wtf

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[–] [email protected] 27 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Seeing these “salads” fills me with the urge to quarantine the area, but also gives me that helpless, defeated feeling that the disease has already spread too far to contain.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 11 months ago

Might I interest you in a pizza salad? It's bread or pasta, cheese and tomato sauce for a vegetable (feel free to substitute it with ketchup). There is no escape!

[–] [email protected] 26 points 11 months ago (4 children)

My joke about being from Iowa is that you could have a salad potluck without ever seeing a piece of lettuce! My family's wildest is Snicker Salad, Tapioca Salad (marshmallows and mandarin oranges), and Cranberry Salad.

[–] [email protected] 15 points 11 months ago (8 children)
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[–] [email protected] 22 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Midwesterner here. Admittedly, some of these can be... interesting (to be interpreted as passive aggressively as possible). Some can be excellent though. We have a pistachio salad in the family that is a go to, and if I don't control myself I could eat a whole batch.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 11 months ago (1 children)

please elaborate on pistachio salad. why would you not just eat pistachios?

[–] [email protected] 21 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago) (3 children)

Ingredients include: whipped cream/Cool Whip, pistachio pudding, mini marshmallows, diced pineapple, and of course chopped pistachios. It's obviously more of a dessert/sweet side dish type of thing. Pistachios alone, though delicious, wouldn't fill the same role.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 11 months ago (2 children)

oh no! you're possessed with the cool-whip-marshmallow-and-pineapple contagion! mister tuvok, let us casually discuss this imminent threat!

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[–] [email protected] 17 points 11 months ago (8 children)

Pineapple cheese salad

Never heard of this, wonder how it is baked on a pizza crust.

(Yes, everyone’s cries are delicious.)

[–] [email protected] 9 points 11 months ago

No you actually made it sound good

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[–] [email protected] 16 points 11 months ago
[–] [email protected] 14 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Where the hell is the Ambrosia?!

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[–] [email protected] 13 points 11 months ago (2 children)

Ambrosia is still the Queen of disgusting "salads"

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[–] [email protected] 12 points 11 months ago

I postulate an evolutionary "Crabification" of culinary science:

Everything, at the terminus of its evolutionary branch, becomes casserole.

[–] [email protected] 12 points 11 months ago
[–] [email protected] 11 points 11 months ago (1 children)

You people are all speaking about food but I don't see any recipe here. I need to taste some of these Midwest or Louisiana cuisine before I have an opinion.

I genuinely want to taste this salad. Also, if it has potatoes in it, it is a salad in my country.

[–] [email protected] 19 points 11 months ago (3 children)

I'm from the midwest. This 'salad' looks to be chunks of cheddar, pineapple, bacon, and marshmallow. If they were feeling particularly spicy, they added some mayonnaise. You honestly have no need to try this.

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[–] [email protected] 11 points 11 months ago

Tastes like depression.

Both the era and the emotion.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 11 months ago

Pizza salad: tomatoes, peppers, mushrooms, lettuce, cubed mozzarella, pepperoni slices

Combine ingredients, discard lettuce, spread ingredients over flatbread of your choice, bake

[–] [email protected] 9 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Mother is a nutritionist that used to own a restaurant, girlfriend is a nutritionist that worked 15 years in restaurants. I'm disgusted most times I discover people's family recipes...

[–] [email protected] 10 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Don't blue ball us, give us some examples

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[–] [email protected] 9 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago) (1 children)

You can have my broccoli, bacon, and raisin salad and cookie salad when you pry them from my cold hardened arteries.

[–] [email protected] 19 points 11 months ago (4 children)

Why do all of these mid-west “salad” recipes have a 4-5 ingredients that seem ok, and then one god damn ingredient that is absolutely BONKERS. Like, why on earth does the cookie salad have mandarin oranges in it!? Whhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyy

[–] [email protected] 9 points 11 months ago (2 children)

Sometimes people put pineapple in it too but that doesn’t work as well. It doesn’t sound like it should work but it does. ¯\(ツ)

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[–] [email protected] 9 points 11 months ago (2 children)

Any cold food is a salad.

Scotch eggs, sausage rolls. Serve with salad cream if there's any doubt.

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[–] [email protected] 7 points 11 months ago
[–] [email protected] 7 points 11 months ago (1 children)

What do these people call actual salads? You know, with vegetables.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 11 months ago

Rabbit food.

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