Asklemmy

i think that liking a person can make you physically attracted to them. i didnt look at either of my partners the first time and drop jaw on the floor... but once i became friends and developed a crush they started to look cute! my current partner is very attractive to me now :)

Throughout life, the things you find important change. This is true for more than just physical attraction and what you look for in a partner. I think a lot of people, attractive or not, pair up with people that don't fit their ideas about what is gorgeous. Everybody who doesn't die young is going to get old and wrinkly, so if you want a good life partner, you're going to have to prioritize personality traits and common interests over physical attractiveness, otherwise you're going to end up paired up with somebody who doesn't do it for you.

You should never date someone you aren’t attracted to. That won’t end well. That doesn’t mean they have to be a ten but you have to be attracted to them

For me (a woman - averagely good looking not beautiful or ugly) physical attraction is a yes/no immediate screening by my scumbag subconscious brain and no guy has ever moved from the no bucket into the yes bucket, because to land in the "No" means looks bad enough I can't get past it.

But no guy has ever been attractive to me based only on looks either. Looking better than ok really means nothing.

So not physically attractive? Sure, maybe. Literally physically unattractive to me? No.

That is quite literally not how attraction works.

As someone already mentioned, the more you get to know a person, the more attractive (or less attractive) they objectively become to you. I firmly believed that my wife was beautiful, and as our relationship soured and she started cheating on me, she quite literally became physically uglier in my eyes.

It's just how the brain works. If you love someone, they're beautiful. End of story.

It happens pretty often because physical attraction is just one facet of attraction - you can find someone extremely attractive but not for physical reasons... some people even have trouble processing physical attraction and identify as sapiosexual.

"Settle down" is based in different criteria to "want to fuck"

If you don't find someone physically attractive, how do you settle down with them? Do you just accept getting into bed with someone you're physically repulsed by every night?

Relatedly, I know someone who seems highly compatible but who I'm not attracted to at all. How would I even manage that? There's no way I could hide it, even if that was justifiable, so how do you say "you're almost physically repulsive to me, but I want to date you anyway" without being a dick? (I'm reasonably good looking myself)

I didn't think people who stay in stable long term relationships look at it that way. The first thing to realize is that our brains are wonderful things. For instance I know my wife isn't going to model on the front page of Sports Illustrated any time soon. But to me she really is more attractive.

The more we find out about how our brains work in relationships, the less the idea of having to be perfect makes sense. Both with beauty and personality. If you have the best body and personality according to society then you're not unique. Millions of people are trying to make themselves into that image. Being yourself and being healthy are far more likely to land someone who actually cares about you.

Being attractive is mainly helpful in getting dates and having casual sex. Beyond that there needs to be actual compatibility of some kind, solid relationship skills, and a willingness to work at the relationship. Those are far more important over the long term than classic beauty because when you're older that's what's going to be there.

That all said, I'm not aware of anyone "settling" in the modern era. We seem to be far more content with our friend groups unless there's really something there.

I can only speak for myself and my observations, but I don't think it's normal. It happens, but it's uncommon. I think it's more normal for people to have similarly attractive partners. Some people are cuter than others even at the same "level."

Most of my girlfriends have been about the same level of attractiveness. I think I'm probably a 5 or 6 out of 10. If I lost weight and cleaned up I'd probably get to a 7, but that wouldn't change my attraction to my wife. Maybe at that point it would look like I "settled"?

Why are you with someone you don't find attractive? Are you obligated to be in the relationship? Are you afraid of what happens without your partner?

A partner is someone you are happy to be with and if attractiveness is the sole determining factor, ask yourself what is unattractive about yourself. Why are they with you? Why don't they leave to find someone else?

In truth, attractiveness is great for starting a relationship but the relationship will evolve to become more about the connection you both share. In-jokes are the best part, old arguments are the worst. But it's something no one else would understand because it's between you two.

Wake up with your partner, see them after a night of restless sleep or being sick for a few days. No one is attractive then and hopefully this shows that attractiveness is not the only requirement for loving someone. The only requirement is that you love them, whole and true, for as long as you can.

If you don't love your partner, or find yourself doubting, have the courage to solve that difficulty. Be honest with yourself AND your partner. They are living with the hope that each day will be another in the story of your lives. Lying to them by hiding how you feel is building interest on a pain that could have been avoided.

'Normal' isn't the most useful word for describing human interactions. It's always going to be biased by your culture, upbringing and life experience.

A lot of people here are saying that people become more attractive as you get close to them, and I'm sure that's true--for them. Just to offer an alternative perspective, I find people less physically attractive the better I know them. I still love them and enjoy their company, and I wouldn't trade them for anything, but I just don't really want to be physically intimate with them past a certain point. I'm very independent and probably just not cut out for that kind of long-term relationship, but I'm also very open about it when talking to potential romantic partners. I don't want them putting all their eggs in one basket, especially when that basket is full of holes.

Yes

I think what happens is that other attributes that they're attracted to make the person more attractive to them, so that they aren't weighting solely physical appearance. As in, they might not choose to hook with that person, but would still see that person as a solid choice for a life partner.

That said, it's horribly cruel to get into a relationship with someone that you have zero sexual desire towards, unless that person has no sexual desire at all. You may not be physically attracted to them, but you should still desire them sexually.

it happens and it doesn't work well if there's isn't some other quality(ies) that make(s) it meaningless.